Darn Rebellious Teenagers
by YAXON
Summary: Madara kicks the bucket, leaving Obito free to do his own thing. Thing about teenagers, however, is that they rarely listen and do as they're told... So Obito winds up returning to the Hidden Leaf with White Zetsu and his clones along for the ride. Crackfic. One-shot.


"Now go… until the time of my revival…" Madara Uchiha rasped. With one final death rattle, he passed on.

Obito just looked on in disbelief. He even kicked Madara's corpse to test him. He didn't move.

"The bastard's _finally_ gone. Only took half of eternity. I thought I'd never get to do my own thing."

"What are you saying… Obito…?" Black Zetsu asked suspiciously of the teenager who seemed a little _too_ happywith Madara's death.

Obito smirked at Madara's Will.

"I'm saying that the old fart's kicked the bucket and it's time to return to the Hidden Leaf."

"To… raze it to the ground?" Black Zetsu questioned uncertainly.

Obito made a face as he shook his head firmly.

"Oh, _Kami_ no. What do you take me for? A revenge-obsessed, lovesick puppy that changes his personality on a whim?" Obito _laughed_ at the insinuation. "Kakashi killed Rin. I'm gonna do some fact-checking with Minato-sensei and make sure my buddy's okay. I mean, sure, for most of the time I've known him, Kakashi's been a right bastard, but I think we were making some real progress on our last mission together. I'm sure he'll be overjoyed to see he doesn't have to stop by the memorial stone every friggin' day."

Black Zetsu seemed at a loss for words, so the white half spoke up for him.

"How do you know Kakashi's been…" Oh." He muttered as he recalled one of his copies telling Obito all about his teammates when he requested it.

Black Zetsu growled when he had recovered enough from the shellshock that Obito had barraged them with.

"I won't let you, Obito… I suspected you would turn on us eventually, I just never knew it would be so soon…" Black Zetsu had this really constipated face – quite a feat for a viscous blob-thing – as he seemed to be doing something. Obviously it wasn't working, though Obito had a pretty good idea he knew what it was. " _Why isn't it activating?!_ "

"I assume you're talking about the Curse Seal that was on my heart…" Obito waved a hand about airily, earning shocked looks from both sides of Zetsu. "Well, here's the thing. I kind of _sensed_ something was wrong with my body, y'know, besides Zetsu composing half of what I am now… So I got rid of it. I don't like being a puppet."

"How did you get it off of your heart…?" White Zetsu asked carefully. Rin had to kill herself to get hers off, but he wasn't going to tell Obito that.

"Oh, that was easy." Obito grinned and jabbed a thumb at his Mangekyo. "Kamui solves everything. Normally I hafta be touching something to suck it up like a vacuum cleaner, but I can also suck myself up. Or parts of myself. All it took was a little… precision… and voila. Curse seal transported to the Kamui dimension and gone."

Black Zetsu was twitching, which amused Obito greatly. Try and make a pawn of Obito the Awesome, would they…? Well, he'd show them. … Technically he already did.

"I still cannot let you do what you want." Black Zetsu told him flatly.

"What you gonna do?" Obito challenged him. "You're attached to White Zetsu there, and last I checked, my Fire Jutsu could burn through you guys. Y'know, 'cause you're _plants_."

Black Zetsu started to peel himself off from White Zetsu… Ew, nasty. He then flew straight at Obito, intent on possessing him. However, Obito held out his hand, and the moment Black Zetsu came into contact with it, he screamed an otherworldly scream and got sucked into a Kamui dimension hole. And then he was gone. Obito looked around at the remaining White Zetsu, and even down at Guruguru, who was coating his body right that second.

"Anyone else? Y'know you can't control me, Guruguru-chan. I've got an impressive resolve, and I ain't unconscious."

Guruguru seemed to mull it over as he hummed in that weird echo-y voice of his. In theory, he could _try_ to take over Obito's body and force him to bring Black Zetsu back, work for Madara's cause, and ultimately restore Mother… But the fact that he had disposed of _Black Zetsu_ so quickly… He didn't like his chances. If he let his guard down at all in the years to come, Obito would do away with him and ruin everything.

Eh, screw it all. Black Zetsu was really the only one _really_ into the 'Resurrect Mother' plot. With him trapped in another dimension, he wasn't going to be bossing them around anymore. Most of the Zetsu were genuinely curious about the world, anyway. Guruguru himself had a burning curiosity for something… and on that note.

"On one condition, Obito-chan…"

Obito narrowed his eyes when Guruguru made his request. Thank Kami _he_ didn't have that 'ability' anymore… because it would be damn awkward for whoever Guruguru latched himself onto for _that_ investigation. Seriously. Why'd he hafta be obsessed with poo and all the processes that went with it? The sooner he was rid of Guruguru, the better.

"Anyone else have any objections?" Obito smirked at the bizarre plant man clones, a few of who gave him shrugs and 'what the hell'. He grinned toothily. "Then let's get ya registered as Leaf shinobi!"

"Won't that be kinda difficult?" What Obito presumed to be the original Zetsu piped up. "Like the Leaf will just let us walk in through the front gate."

Obito shrugged nonchalantly.

"Let's make a quick stop at the black market, then. If Lord Third's still in charge, we'll come bearing gifts."

This raised quite a few eyebrows, but Obito did not elaborate.

* * *

"Hohoho." Hiruzen Sarutobi grinned as his new collection of toys banged their cymbals together. Little cymbal-clanging monkeys that were dressed up like him. He managed to acquire _two_ of these cute things before Danzo pushed for the sale of them in the Hidden Leaf to be banned. And anyone trying to give Hiruzen one of those toys was to be court marshaled. All because of one teeny _tiny_ council meeting where all Hiruzen did was play with his toy while ignoring the talk about the village's budget.

Until Danzo took it away and smashed it. Hiruzen had fortunately kept the other toy safe from his bitter rival, but now it seemed as if he didn't need to be 'careful' anymore. Not when he now had two hundred and seventeen of the little critters. Oh, they were simply delightful. Why ever would they be on the black market, though?

… At any rate, with this generous gift from little Obito, who was thought to be dead, Hiruzen had allowed him and his strange pale friends to enroll and re-enroll in the shinobi forces with only a cursory check by Inoichi to ensure there was no ill intent. They checked out, as Hiruzen _knew_ they would – because anyone who gave him his favorite toy could not possibly be evil or conniving in his book – and he advised Obito and his friends to maintain a low profile until they could be introduced to the village proper gradually. Inoichi did say they had some bizarre fetishes.

So Hiruzen's bitter rival had two – no, _three_ things to be upset about. The first being that Obito and these weird plant men had been let in so easily. The second being the monkey toys that would cause him to rip out his hair in frustration because Hiruzen now had so many of the damn things. The third was these new arrivals muscling in on _his_ racket. Root was what the Hidden Leaf needed, not these… purported Hashirama clones.

Little Obito had decided that if their introduction to ordinary village life was going to come gradually, he was going to make himself useful. And that meant sending the Zetsu clones to be the Hidden Leaf's new and improved spy network, as well as… its new elite Anbu unit. Hiruzen approved quite gleefully when he learned that these clones could pull off the most realistic Transformations, Chakra and all. Why over-rely on the guys and gals in the animal masks when your targets of assassination could be taken out and dealt with by their closest allies? Or what they thought to be their closest allies, obviously.

No… Danzo was not happy. He knew the _truth_. These new spies and assassins were too damn _perfect_. They would betray the village at the first opportunity! He knew because Root occasionally had this problem; his troops became too damn efficient, and they questioned their loyalties. … Well, okay, _technically_ Root's history was spotless in terms of defectors. But that's because Danzo took steps to ensure that his exceptional recruits were either thoroughly leashed or disposed of _before_ they could question their loyalties.

Danzo did not think himself paranoid at all.

* * *

"Stopped that Kabuto kid from killing his mother," A Zetsu clone reported to Obito in their underground headquarters. "Just like you said. Danzo was setting them up. They're okay now, though."

Obito grinned as another clone ran up to them.

"Defused that situation in the Hidden Rain! Hanzo's gonna give those Akatsuki guys a chance. He's also gonna brutally murder anyone remotely linked to Root if they're ever found in his country again."

A third Zetsu cloned dropped in from the ceiling and cheered happily.

"Root HQ rigged to blow! I wonder who's gonna set off a glitter bomb first?"

Obito's grin threatened to split off from his face. He wanted to hug the stuffing out of these guys… but no, he would be strong. He'd wait to hear about Danzo's breakdown. His organization was falling apart left and right, and it didn't help that his prized soldier Orochimaru was MIA (read: stuck inside Kamui like all Naughty, Unnecessary Things).

"Was going to come and check how you were down here… But I guess I had nothing to worry about." Obito and the three Zetsu clones turned to face Minato, who was clad in his flashy Hokage haori. Even though Obito was taller than Minato remembered, he ruffled Obito's hair anyway, as he added, "You're gonna make Danzo's hairs go from grey to full-blown white."

Obito seemed to consider that a compliment as he smirked.

"The bastard's more stubborn than Koharu and Homura combined, but I got them to retire for ya, didn't I?"

A ghost of a smile graced Minato's lips.

"Tsunade's still grouchy you made her come back to fill Koharu's position, and Jiraiya-sensei… well, his pride's wounded a little, considering he was our resident spymaster. But he's accepted Homura's position more readily than Tsunade."

Obito shrugged uncaringly.

"His other students are alive and well, and Tsunade's debts are paid off. Well, until she accumulates her debts here. She's still got all the sake she can drink, at least." Obito muttered. "I'm confident your little 'Root' problem will be gone within the next year or two. I'm gradually replacing his Root personnel with Zetsu. He has yet to work that out."

Obito whispered that last part. Minato shook his head, but more in a 'what am I going to do with you?' attitude. Despite Minato's high tolerance levels of anyone that wasn't threatening his family, friends, or village, he could say quite truthfully that he did not like Danzo or his methods. But then, who did?

"Kushina wants you to be there when Naruto's born. I know you come topside frequently enough that that wouldn't be much of a problem anyway… But she personally requested it."

Obito went quiet at that request. He stared sharply at Minato.

"I'll help guard the cave, but I am _not_ gonna watch the 'glorious process at work'. I will _not_ watch Naruto come out of her… _her thing_!"

Minato sweatdropped at his student's firm stance.

"You're still bothered by that? I said I was sorry…"

"I was a kid! Just out for an evening stroll in the park. And you guys were swinging… on the same swing… without any _pants_ …" Obito's hands flew to his face and screamed. "The images!"

"Oh!" A Zetsu clone exclaimed all of a sudden, slightly slow on the uptake of 'human rituals'. "You caught them in the middle of-"

"DON'T SAY IT! REPREEESS!"

* * *

 **Author's Note: Well, that was fun. My mind is such a wonderful place to be… such… wonderful thoughts. Such wonderful ideas. lol This must be what Tony Stark feels like while tinkering with machines… 'cause this came out so easily. I'm not going crazy, I AM crazy.**

 **I will confess: The closing sentences were inspired by Lucillia's crackfics… The bit with the swing in the park… and the trauma in regards to 'her thing'... Hope you enjoyed that. XD**

 **But seriously. I've never read a fic where Zetsu or his Clones became Leaf-nin. Haaad to be done. While depriving Danzo of his sanity, of course. :P No, I don't care if that incident with Kabuto was years apart from the one with Yahiko dying. This is crack. Crack, I tell you! You must picture it in your mind.**


End file.
